My life wasn’t falling apart, and my health was stable. I was simply tired of being sick and tired. I knew there had to more to life than suffering. The reliance on the doctors left me over-medicated. Between my six doctors, I was taking 13 daily medications.
I hit the reset button. I went exploring for alternatives and one day I discovered meditation.
One day after a 10-minute meditation session, I had a profound shift of consciousness after I heard an inner voice say, “perfect spirit.” I pondered that phrase for a moment, and I thought, “A-ha, that’s it!” I simply knew that my spirit was perfect and that the body/mind was damaged from the bipolar, MS, and a few other ailments. A moment later, a deep knowing came that “all is well,” and the health challenges were over. This knowing also revealed that I had to create a recovery practice to restore the damage done to the body and mind.
After stepping out of the shower, I see my nude reflection in the mirror. Immediately, the mind begins to point out the flaws of my imperfect body.
Getting dressed is another challenge. The mind is telling me not to wear a certain pair of pants because they make me look fat. Then the mind is telling me to tuck in my shirt or I will look like a slob.
During breakfast the mind is dreading another day of the same crap. The mind begins to plot out the day making sure to note, “Don’t do something stupid!” I am now concerned about my words and actions. I’m afraid to be honest with anyone, since I want everyone to like me.
“Why did I heal?”
I took this question into my contemplation practice. In this practice you ask yourself a big question with no easy answer. The objective of this practice is to quiet the mind and allow the deep wisdom to arise.
“There are no mistakes. We are given free will and in this state of choice there is “right action” or “distraction.” The noisy mind usually choses distraction, over right action. Right action is difficult in a fear based society. The mind thrives in fear. The mind is in charge with this negative mindset. It will bark out commands that we follow without much resistance. The commands are distractions that will prevent you from spending time to learn the lesson that life is presenting you.”
Crap! What did I eat? My routine before the shower was to weigh myself. I would think about the prior day and what I ate. This immediately put me in a bad mood, and kept me trapped in yesterday.
Why did I eat that, and not this? My favorite game was playing “what-if?” Thinking about the past wasn’t going to change the past, yet I did my best to change yesterday. I would create a new plan for the day. I am only going to eat this today. There was one problem, I had a habit of eating crap. I would have to make constant conscious choices.
Habits live in the subconscious, and this part of the brain is faster than the conscious brain. They only way to live in the conscious was to be here in this moment. I was rarely in this moment, my favorite habit was dwelling in the past.
Introducing the Don’t Dwell YouTube Channel
Today, I launched a YouTube video channel. The channel is Don’t Dwell.
The first video up is about reversing and recovering from MS. In the video, I juggle.
I have asked the International Jugglers Association and a few juggling blogs, and they know of no one: I am the only known MS juggler.
For the channel, I plan to release a few videos a month on various topics. I would like to create question-and-answer videos. I would prefer if the channel was used as a dialogue and not a monologue.
What would you like to see?
YouTube Don’t Dwell Channel
I was in the dark for decades. My world was filled with fear, hate, and anger. In my pocket I had a pack of matches. When I lit a match I had glimpses of love, happiness, and joy. However, the match didn’t stay light for long and I would be plunged back into darkness.
A few folks have found lighters and various sizes of flashlights in the dark. They have longer periods of light. However, there are many things in the shadow that come out when the light goes out.
As a bipolar I was stuck with a pack of matches.